From the outset, it is important to recognise that children react to stressful situations in very different ways to adults. They have no frame of reference to work from, so the feelings of abandonment, confusion, loneliness and even anger are new and often completely overwhelming to them. Children often blame themselves for their parents’ relationship breaking up, and convincing them otherwise can be very difficult.
Because children can find it difficult to express their emotions in terms that an adult will understand, they can also ‘shut down’ and keep their feelings hidden. So, it is not unusual for parents to underestimate their marital issues’ impact on their children. Little Johnny isn’t ‘fine’ by any stretch of the imagination – he’s hurting badly and unable to communicate how he’s really feeling right now.
The first responsibility of any parent is to keep the confrontation to an absolute minimum, especially in front of the children. If you row, do it where they cannot witness or hear it. Do not underestimate how quickly they can pick up on an ‘atmosphere’. Children are extremely empathic and can be affected as much by frosty silences as they can by shouting matches.
Have a plan
A parenting plan can help make the transition period much smoother and give you both a point of reference that’s agreed upon and in place before you start divorce proceedings.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. A third party can often mediate between two partners to ensure the welfare of the children remains a priority from start to finish. Remember that this part of a divorce can become highly emotionally charged, so a mediator can often help to keep a sense of perspective and to calm the situation.
Parental responsibilities
While mothers have parental responsibility from birth (unless the child has been put up for adoption), the situation can often be less than clear for fathers. If you were married at the time of the child’s birth, you have parental responsibility. However, if you were not married, it would depend on the child’s date of birth. If the child was born after 1 December 2003 and the father is named on the birth certificate, they have responsibility.
Who should the child live with?
In most cases, the parents will decide who the child should live with permanently while granting the other parent access. If this can be agreed amicably, then there should be no need for a court order, which is also the best possible outcome for the child.
However, if the courts become involved in the arrangement, they will look at several factors before laying down the agreement in what is now known as a ‘Child Arrangements Order’. This will cover both residence and access rights.
How the courts act
Throughout the procedure, the wishes of the child should be carefully considered and is the top priority as far as the courts are concerned.
The older the child, the more likely they are to have an influence over whom they live with and what visiting rights are allowed.
The courts will use the Children’s Act 1989 as their checklist when dealing with any break-up that involves children. But it is up to you to ensure their welfare is a top priority when you’re away from the courtroom.
That means providing a safe and secure environment that a child can feel at ease in, with an emphasis on ‘secure’. The upheaval that divorce causes puts enormous strain on a child’s perception of stability and can be incredibly damaging. Your relationship with your partner may have ended, but both of your relationships with your children will last a lifetime.
Pippa Marshall is a member of Resolution, an organisation of family lawyers and other professionals who believe in a constructive, non-confrontational approach to family law matters.
Pippa follows the Resolution Code of Practice.
Note: This is not legal advice; it provides information of general interest about current legal issues.